Mary O’Day
“Healing my image of God has been incredibly impactful in both healing my trauma and helping me learn to accept love.”
Awake: Mary, we’re so glad that you are willing to share your story with our community. What would you like to tell us about your current life?
Mary O’Day: I am 60 years old and live in Arizona. My husband and I have four sons and four grandsons, and we are also blessed with a granddaughter, who was born during Covid.
I am an avid learner and continue to take classes as often as I am able. I became a spiritual formation coach two years ago and am currently training to become a spiritual director and will graduate this time next year. This training has benefited me in so many ways. Healing my image of God has been incredibly impactful in both healing my trauma and helping me learn to accept love.
I recently developed a love of gardening and am in my third planting season. I haven’t had great success so far in terms of the amount of food grown, but I haven’t given up. I enjoy the meditative experience of being in a garden.
Q: That’s wonderful. I imagine you’re spending lots of time in the garden at this time of year. What do you want to tell us about the abuse you experienced?
A: I learned from my sister that my abuse started when I was around six months old. That’s when my father began sexually abusing me, which set the stage for me to be trafficked to others in the future. My sister, who is ten years older than me, was already being sex trafficked to men my father knew. After my father started abusing me, she was made to be responsible for my care in the aftermath of this violence. Later, when she entered therapy, my sister began sharing these details with me, including her guilt over not being able to protect me from also becoming a victim.
My father was involved in organized crime in the Phoenix area. I later learned, as an adult, that this group was known for trading favors and owing allegiance in return. My sister and I remember that our father took us to events at Catholic churches, called “father-daughter nights,” where we were abused by priests, lay leaders, and other men. I remember attending my first event right before I turned four. We were threatened and told that we were shameful, dirty sinners who had no value.
The abuse ended for me when I was almost 13 and my father went to prison for the crime of embezzlement. He never paid for his more heinous crimes, nor would any of the priests. One priest is in a foreign country, still being protected from extradition. One died shortly after accepting a plea deal, and the rest remain free, with no obvious consequences.
Q: Mary, this is heartbreaking and hard to hear. I’m sorry you were harmed so terribly by the adults who should have cared for you and protected you. Can you tell us why you decided to share your story with our community?
A: I wanted to share because knowledge is power. I felt so alone for most of my life. I thought my situation was a unique story of some depraved men, and no one would understand. I was suicidal for more than fifty years because of the trauma and the feeling of isolation. In 2016, having finally found my voice, I decided to write a letter to the pope to tell my story to the people who caused the pain. I sent copies to many dicasteries at the Vatican, and I included the papal nuncio of the United States. Eventually the victim assistance coordinator for the Phoenix Diocese contacted me. When I learned that I was just one of many victims, I was intensely angry, knowing the abuse could have been stopped before I was even born. Then I found SNAP, and eventually Awake, and these communities ended my feelings of isolation and being misunderstood.
Q: I’m sorry about all the isolation and loneliness, Mary. Your anger is understandable. What would you say has been the hardest part of this journey?
A: The most challenging part has been overcoming the core belief of my inherent badness. I have worked hard to integrate all the parts of me that had been traumatized, hurt, violated, brainwashed, lied to, and dismissed. The part that makes me the angriest is that men and women who claim to be representatives of God on earth have stolen Jesus from thousands upon thousands of innocent people who adored him.
Q: Thank you for sharing these insights. Who has been particularly helpful in your healing and recovery process?
Mary, about age 8
A: There have been so many people who have been instrumental and supportive through my healing journey. But if I had to name one, I would choose my therapist, the first person to help me dismantle the many walls that I had used to fortress myself. She believed me and believed in me, when I could do neither. She was strength when I had none, she was a protector when I felt vulnerable, she was anger when emotions terrified me too much to express, and she had tears when I was so frozen I didn’t know how I should respond to the precious child within, who had been so sadistically abused. She kept me out of the hospital when all I wanted to do was curl up in the corner of a padded room until I died, or have my brain electrified in the hopes it would wipe out all my memories. She also rejoiced with each new healing victory, teaching me it was okay to rejoice for myself. She held on tightly while I learned to walk upright on my own. I believe she holds tightly still, even though the worst parts of my journey are thankfully behind me and my time in traditional therapy ended three years ago.
Q: Wow. She was a tremendous support. It’s so good that you found her. What would you say has surprised you most about the healing journey?
A: The biggest surprise to me was that I could heal! There were times that I felt like nothing would change and I would walk in the dark for the rest of my life. When I was reaching the end of my talk therapy, I transitioned to spiritual direction and my spiritual formation training. As the years of traditional therapy merged into the spiritual healing, I began to feel relief. The change still amazes me and I am grateful every day. I believe anyone who was abused spiritually needs to include spiritual healing in their recovery.
Q: Given the suffering you experienced, how do you describe your relationship with God?
A: Since learning the practices and principles of spiritual formation, I have had a 180-degree shift in what I believe about God. Previously, I believed I would go to heaven because I fulfilled the contract of accepting his son as my savior, but I believed God didn’t really want me there. I longed and prayed for God to just take me to a place where there would be no more sorrow or pain. But my thinking began to change, especially after I read the book Surrender to Love by David G. Benner. I came to understand that I am truly God’s beloved child. As we read in Philippians 1:21: “…to live is Christ, and to die is gain.” I am even more excited for Heaven now, but since I clawed my way out of the darkness, I love life and am content to do the work he has for me here, to love people and be loved by them, and to enjoy the beauty of his creation all around me.
Q: The spiritual formation work sounds like it has been so healing for you, Mary. Thank you for sharing it. How would you characterize your relationship with the Catholic Church?
A: I do not have a relationship with the Catholic Church. I am learning there are many good people, and even good priests within the church. And I am slowly desensitizing myself to the usual triggers, like incense, robes, and statuary. I doubt I will ever be able to attend Mass again, but I won’t say for sure, because I doubted I would ever experience this level of healing.
I currently have little hope that the church will change. I am in a stage of feeling like we are beating our heads against the wall in our efforts to stop the abuse, especially with clergy-penitent privilege still in place even for crimes against children. I am so thankful for the Awake community and the fact that it is growing in recognition. We need people within the church who are willing to call a spade a spade if we have any hope for change. Too many years have gone by with church members denying the possibility that these atrocities exist within their walls, or that nice Father So-and-so could commit such heinous acts.
Q: Is there anything else that you would like Catholics to know about abuse in the Church?
A: That it exists, and that it affects the abused for the rest of their lives. I’ve read that trauma literally changes our DNA and results in not only mental and emotional distress, but also physical illnesses and spiritual devastation. Some people say that children are resilient, or that they will not remember trauma, but I would argue that their body, mind, and spirit never forget. It is an incredible burden to bear, the weight of which is determined, in large part by the way it is handled (or not) by the people in authority.
Q: Mary, thank you so much for trusting us with your story. We wish you well as you continue your healing journey. One final question as we close: What makes you feel strong?
A: I feel strong when I am able to advocate for others, to speak up for survivors, and to hold their hands and their hearts along their journey, just as so many others did for me.
—Interview by Erin O’Donnell
Note from Awake: We extend heartfelt thanks to Mary O’Day for sharing her story. We also want to acknowledge that every survivor’s path is different. We honor the journeys of all who have experienced sexual abuse by Catholic leaders and are committed to bringing you their stories. In addition to Mary’s story, we encourage you to read our previous Survivor Stories here.
If you have experienced sexual abuse, you can receive support through the National Sexual Abuse Hotline, 800-656-4673, which operates 24 hours a day. If you seek support from the Catholic Church, you can find the contact information for your diocesan victim assistance coordinator here. Also, Awake is always open to listening to and learning from survivors. If you would like to connect with us, we invite you to email Executive Director Sara Larson at saralarson@awakecommunity.org.
Awake is a community that strives to be compassionate, survivor-centered, faithful, welcoming, humble, courageous, and hopeful. We thank you for choosing your words with care when commenting, and we reserve the right to remove comments that are inappropriate or hurtful.
