Introducing “Survivors’ Voices” on the Awake blog!
We are honored to introduce this new bimonthly feature on the Awake blog. Survivors’ Voices will bring together short, anonymous reflections from men and women who have experienced sexual abuse in the Catholic Church, offered in response to a specific topic. There is no single survivor experience, so these reflections will reflect a variety of experiences, perspectives, and insights.
For survivors, our hope is that these posts will offer a place to share your wisdom and remind you that you are not alone.
For other readers, we hope you will listen with compassion and deepen your understanding of survivors’ diverse experiences and perspectives.
Listening to survivors’ stories, I have come to deeply appreciate their hard-won wisdom. This month, survivors generously shared some of what they would like others to know. I am grateful to each person who shared a reflection, giving readers an opportunity to listen, learn, and better understand the experiences of survivors. - Rebecca Dodge, Awake Survivor Support and Engagement Coordinator
I have learned through my experience of reporting my abuse to the Church that the institutional Church is not primarily concerned with justice; it's concerned with maintaining its reputation. While the Church has made genuine efforts to protect children from abuse, they have done little to attend to those of us who were harmed by abuse before these reforms were implemented. We need validation and access to resources to support our healing—especially our spiritual healing.
I wish people understood that I can’t “just get over it” and “put the past in the past.” What others don’t see is that I carry daily physical/emotional/psychological/spiritual/social deficits. I have gained so much knowledge through my experiences and continue to learn every day. However, few support survivors or ask questions. As a survivor I am treated as if I carry a communicable disease. No one asks. No one comes near me. Please talk to me. Ask questions. Please listen to me. Please HEAR what I have to say. Please learn from me. Use that knowledge to change the world. Today I read a quote (not looking for it but God ordained) by William Wilberforce as follows: “You may choose to look the other way, but you can never say again that you didn’t know.” DO SOMETHING ABOUT KNOWING!!!!
My spiritual director asked me if I was blaming myself for the incident that happened. After the sexual abuse I tried to reconcile with the Church through a Pastor who proceeded to shame me and minimize what happened. I experienced severe depression afterwards. I then proceeded to internalize his criticisms toward myself, even though another part of me knew the truth.
Believe survivors. Listen deeply. Do your own work on the intense feelings that arise regarding sexual abuse by leaders in the Catholic Church, so you can be more grounded and clear in listening to those who have had this life experience. Get support for yourself. No human being has too much support. Since my abuse, I had always hoped that people could see the turmoil inside me, but that was magical thinking since I carried a 'calm/together' exterior to protect myself. I now know it's up to me to share my truth, when I feel safe enough, to help others understand what it's like, on a daily basis. I've learned that truth-telling is a gift, if I am ready to share what's REAL for me.
I asked myself, how did I get tricked into complying? And why didn’t I just run away? I had to learn about the grooming process. It started with the kind words. The caring presence. The deep listening. The soft touch that feeds a craving that has never been met in a large family who didn’t believe in hugs. Why do you think these perpetrators seek out the vulnerable? If you crave attention or touch or caring, you don’t notice the slow slide into the inappropriate. This is especially true for those who are young, innocent or inexperienced. It’s like the proverbial frog in the big pot of cold water, slowly heated until the scalding begins to manifest. By then, it’s too late to escape. The damage has already permeated the entire being. It’s easy to point a finger and say, “stupid frog, why did you go into a big pot on a stove!” The frog didn’t know any better. The water was inviting, in its original form. The frog could not see the changes… until it was too late. The shame is scalding to the psyche. Self-blame hitches a ride, too. In its weakened state, escape becomes impossible.
I experienced physical, sexual, and emotional abuse as a child. Yet, none of those experiences devastated me like my experience of being spiritually and sexually abused by a member of a Catholic religious community as an adult. I wish people understood just how harmful spiritual abuse and abuse of conscience is. As someone who felt called to religious life myself, I now feel incredibly lost vocationally, and I’m significantly struggling in my relationship with God – many days, even struggling to believe He exists.
Sexual abuse of adults by clergy was an unknown thing to me when I experienced it. I had heard whispers of priests having “affairs.” There is no such thing. I fell into the category of ignorant and misinformed Catholics that still exists today. When my pastor began to push himself on me sexually, I was very confused and ashamed. To some degree I am STILL a bit confused and definitely ashamed. I know that I should not carry shame for something a man with power over me did, but I can’t get past it. I wish people understood the lasting effect of abuse of adults. No one wishes I could “get over it” more than I. It wreaks havoc on one’s very being: soul, spirit, psyche, emotions. Healing is never finished. It continues. A journey, not a destination. A sacred trust was broken. It is extremely difficult to trust anyone again. To be hurt by another now is exponentially more difficult. Holding everyone at a distance is safer, but not healthier. Survivors need people to listen, not to give advice, and especially not to judge. Walking with us in friendship is the greatest gift one can give a survivor. We feel very, very alone.
A Note from Awake
If you have experienced sexual abuse by a Catholic leader and would like to contribute to the next Survivors’ Voices blog post or connect with Awake, we invite you to email Survivor Support and Engagement Coordinator Rebecca Dodge at rebeccadodge@awakecommunity.org.
Anyone who has experienced sexual abuse can receive support through the National Sexual Abuse Hotline, 800-656-4673, which operates 24 hours a day. If you seek support from the Catholic Church, you can find the contact information for your diocesan victim assistance coordinator here.
