Timothy Quigley
“I had a Judas, who betrayed me with a kiss. It felt like Jesus left me. I only found Jesus again by identifying with him, with his passion, with his cross.”
Awake: Timothy, thank you so much for being willing to share your story with us. What would you like to share about yourself and your life apart from your abuse?
Timothy Quigley: I grew up mostly in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. I come from precisely the environment where few expect abuse to happen. I am the oldest of 10 in what was a conservative Catholic family. Our family life was full of devotionals and regular sacramental participation — all the works. As a boy, I was very devout and wanted to become a priest. Although our home environment was very religious, it was also abusive. Because my parents never healed from their own abusive upbringings, that unresolved trauma spilled into our lives. I pray daily that they will repent and heal so that they can live in the truth.
Q: It sounds like there were many graces but also much hardship in your childhood. What would you like to share about your abuse?
A: It happened because I was a good kid. I was in a vulnerable position precisely because I was seeking a vocation to the priesthood, spending a lot of time alone at the church, and in search of warm paternal and maternal presences. The priest who abused me was the kindest man I ever met. After it happened, I had no one to turn to, except for my abuser. He assured me in the confessional that the seal of the sacrament protected me, and no one would have to ever know what I believed was my sin. This set me up for further abuse when I went to a minor seminary run by the Legionaries of Christ when I was 13.
Q: Timothy, it’s heartbreaking you didn’t have a trusted adult to tell about the abuse you experienced. I am so sorry. What has been the most difficult about your journey as a survivor?
A: The loneliness is indescribable. The whole world has been under an illusion that abuse doesn’t happen that much. Many are finally waking up to the reality that it’s pervasive, essentially a defining feature of earthly power. The damage to the Body of Christ is incalculable when you’re speaking of the most innocent being corrupted, shamed, and hidden. How can I take pro-life Catholics seriously about their concerns for the children when they don’t want to hear the story of the child sacrifice in front of them?
I nearly took my own life in 2015. I hardly knew why, other than being convinced I was the reason for everything that was wrong in the lives of everyone around me. Jesus saved me, and I cannot keep this gift and these talents to myself. I owe it to my Master.
Q: Feeling that neither individuals nor the world acknowledge the harm done to you is inherently lonely. Who or what has played a key role in your healing and recovery process?
A: I can credit so many, especially my wife Karolina, but I would like to highlight Paul Fahey. His spiritual abuse workshop that my wife and I participated in was an instrumental step in my journey to healing. Paul did not know I was a survivor at that time, but finding safety from his presence, and recognizing the patterns of spiritual abuse helped me open my heart to let it break for me. Last July, I got to go on the Awake retreat with other survivors. Paul was there to facilitate the men’s small group. I felt loved and seen.
Prayer has helped my healing process most, and it’s not even close. I do not mean that the answer to healing is to just pray more rosaries, but rather to enter into the Divine Mystery. This is why I emphasize nurturing the heart. Prayer is going to your own innermost room and shutting the door. What is there in the place where no one else is, the place no one else can enter without my permission? What am I afraid of? Why am I afraid of it? True freedom is losing all fear but the fear of God. When that’s your only fear, there’s really no fear left
Q: It sounds like God and the Church have been important to you throughout your life. How did the abuse your change your relationship with them?
A: I remember my first powerful experience of God when I was 4 years old, while playing in the grass and watching the bumblebees. I took my Catholic faith quite seriously as a boy, and I was overjoyed to receive the Eucharist when I was seven. When I was nine, I fell in love with Jesus and asked to be his virgin martyr priest. The dreams and the magic left shortly after when I was abused, however. I stayed in the Church throughout my life, but I couldn’t stay in seminary. I had to step away from all of it while going through therapy. Only by the gratuitous grace of God am I now able to participate fully in Catholic sacramental life again.
The abuse flipped the signs of the sacraments on their heads, or made them lose all meaning entirely. When I was a vulnerable, trusting child, I took what was presented to me as truth, and it warped my relationship with God, with my parents, and with my brothers and sisters. For example, I've always been an excellent lector; I was even chosen to lector for the Mass said by Marcial Maciel when he visited the school. While public speaking didn't scare me, I would tremble and sweat when speaking up in a small group Bible study, especially if I was contradicting anyone. Throughout my whole life, I wrestled with contradictions between how I felt in my heart, in my mind, and in my whole body. Now that I have been healed, I see quite clearly the divide between the Mystical Body of Christ, united with Holy Mother Church, and the Church that we have today. The King is dead; long live the King.
Q: The abuse you endured in childhood had a devastating impact on your relationships, your faith, and the path of your vocation. What’s one important idea that you would like Catholics to understand about sexual abuse in the Catholic Church?
A: Sexual abuse by leaders the Catholic Church, whether of children or adults in their pastoral care, is always a significant spiritual abuse that exacts a serious toll on the abused. This is exacerbated further by a culture that seeks to hide our failures rather than shine the Divine Light on everything, especially our crosses. We are all sinners, and we all need a Savior. Love your neighbors and hold them accountable, for the sake of their souls.
Q: Thank you for trusting us with your story, Timothy. As we close, is there anything we haven’t discussed that you’d like to share?
A: A consistent response that I get from Catholics who are inspired by my story is, “I’m glad you didn’t leave the Church.” Sincerely, go to hell with that response. It presumes that our faith is something we already possess, and not a gift. It is an unjust expectation to have of any survivor of Church trauma to believe they shouldn't abandon the Church when they experienced the Church abandoning them. The Church continues to abandon them.
People also say to me, “You didn’t leave Jesus because of Judas.” I had a Judas, who betrayed me with a kiss. It felt like Jesus left me. I only found Jesus again by identifying with him, with his passion, with his cross. Do not dare assume that I am better than anyone, or that anyone who has left the Church is less. God never stops reaching. The poorest of us, for whom the signs of God have been ripped away, have been given a front row seat in the banquet of the King. Be careful how you think of his most precious children, including yourself.
—Interview by Katie Burke-Redys
A Note from Awake
We extend heartfelt thanks to Timothy Quigley for sharing his story. We also want to acknowledge that every survivor’s path is different. We honor the journeys of all who have experienced sexual abuse by Catholic leaders and are committed to bringing you their stories. In addition to Timothy’s story, we encourage you to read our previous Survivor Stories here.
If you have experienced sexual abuse, you can receive support through the National Sexual Abuse Hotline, 800-656-4673, which operates 24 hours a day. If you seek support from the Catholic Church, you can find the contact information for your diocesan victim assistance coordinator here. Also, Awake is always open to listening to and learning from survivors. If you would like to connect with us, we invite you to email Executive Director Sara Larson at saralarson@awakecommunity.org.
